Hilarious Quotes

  • The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone else to blame it on. - Robert Bloch
  • A good belly laugh should register on the Richter scale. - Gerry Hopman
  • Friendship is like peeing on yourself. Everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings. - Author unknown
  • Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils. - Louis Hector Berlioz
  • Humor is like pizza even when it's bad, it's still good. - Gerry Hopman
  • It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives. - Author unknown
  • Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. - Author unknown
  • Sadness, stress and tension come and go. Humor and laughter are forever. - Gerry Hopman
  • I told my wife that a husband is like fine wine, he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar. Author unknown
  • Girls are like phones. They love to be held, talked to, but if you press the wrong button, you'll be disconnected. - Author unknown
  • We get older and wider instead of older and wiser. - Gerry Hopman
  • Doing nothing is very hard to do....you never know when you're finished. - Leslie Neilsen
  • The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning, you're on the job. Slappy White
  • You can lead a man to congress, but you can't make him think. - Milton Berle
  • My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one - Bob Hope
  • Be good to yourself - interject some humor into your life. - Gerry Hopman
  • When I was born I was so surprised, I didn't talk for a year and a half. - Gracie Allen
  • I've got seven kids. The three words I hear most around my house are: "Hello," "Goodbye," and "I'm pregnant!." Dean Martin
  • Seven days without humor makes one weak. - Author unknown
  • You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither! - Drew Carey
  • It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.. - Drew Carey
  • Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day. - Mickey Rooney
  • I think that men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They have experienced pain and bought jewelery. Rita Rudner
  • If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? - Author unknown
  • I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why she treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonnete
  • A man explained inflation to his wife thus: When we married you measured 36-24-36. Now you're 42-42-42. There is more of you, but you're not worth as much. - Lord Barnett
  • Some people get so rich, they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be. - Rita Rudner
  • Press any key to continue. Where is the 'any key? - Homer Simpson
  • No please don't eat me. I have a wife and children, eat them! - Homer Simpson
  • Oh man! We killed Mr.Burns. Mr. Burns is gonna be so mad! - Homer Simpson
  • Oh yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs, or the bees in their mouth, so when they bark they shoot bees at you? - Homer Simpson
  • I hope I don't brain my damage....Homer Simpson
  • I exercise strong self-control.I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast. - W.C. Fields
  • The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes, so they would turn over by themselves. - W.C.Fields
  • After two days in the hospital I took a turn for the nurse. W.C.Fields
  • It was a woman who drove me to drink. I never had the courtesy to thank her. W.C.Fields
  • Make crime pay - become a lawyer! - Will Rogers
  • The taxpayers are sending congressmen on expensive trips abroad. It might be worth it, except they keep coming back. Will Rogers
  • Why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on earth. - Will Rogers
  • Everything is changing. People are taking comedians seriously and the politicians are a joke. Will Rogers
  • I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx
  • Behind every successful man is a woman. Behind her is his wife. Grouch Marx
  • From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend to read it! - George Burns
  • Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five, I still had pimples. George Burns
  • It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty. - George Burns

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