Witty One Liners

Witty one-liners that will bring a smile to your face!

Witty One Liners

  • 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name
  • a bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory
  • a clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
  • anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of
  • better to misunderstand a little than misunderstand a lot
  • borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back
  • chocolate the OTHER major food group
  • diplomacy is the art of saying good doggie while looking for a bigger stick
  • double your drive space- delete windows
  • eagles may soar but, weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
  • few women admit their age - few men act theirs
  • for sale: parachute - only used once, never opened, small stain
  • generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving
  • get a new car for you spouse, it will be a good trade
  • honk - if you want to see my finger
  • I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder
  • I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you
  • I get enough exercise just pushing my luck
  • I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
  • I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose
  • I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure
  • I am as confused as a baby in a topless bar
  • If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you
  • IRS: we got what it takes to take what you've got
  • it may be that your sole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others
  • laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor
  • love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener
  • multitasking means screwing up several things at once
  • never mess up an apology with an excuse
  • Some drink of the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle
  • the sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette
  • There are 2 theories in arguing with women. Neither one works
  • Very funny Scotty - now beam down my clothes
  • wanted meaningful overnight relationship
  • we have enough youth - how about a fountain of smart
  • why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
  • you can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word
  • a Liberal is just a Conservative who hasn't been mugged yet
  • the best contraceptive for old people is nudity
  • never go to bed angry - stay awake and plot your revenge
  • sacred cows make the best hamburgers
  • all I ask for is a chance to prove money can't make me happy
  • now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants
  • letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in
  • you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive
  • I am busier than a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest
  • I like my men like I like my coffee - ground up and in the freezer
  • I like my women like I like my coffee - cold and bitter
  • well paint me purple and call me Barney!

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