Witty One Liners
Witty one-liners that will bring a smile to your face!
- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name
- a bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory
- a clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
- anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of
- better to misunderstand a little than misunderstand a lot
- borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back
- chocolate the OTHER major food group
- diplomacy is the art of saying good doggie while looking for a bigger stick
- double your drive space- delete windows
- eagles may soar but, weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
- few women admit their age - few men act theirs
- for sale: parachute - only used once, never opened, small stain
- generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving
- get a new car for you spouse, it will be a good trade
- honk - if you want to see my finger
- I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder
- I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you
- I get enough exercise just pushing my luck
- I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
- I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose
- I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure
- I am as confused as a baby in a topless bar
- If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you
- IRS: we got what it takes to take what you've got
- it may be that your sole purpose in life is to serve as a
warning to others
- laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor
- love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener
- multitasking means screwing up several things at once
- never mess up an apology with an excuse
- Some drink of the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle
- the sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette
- There are 2 theories in arguing with women. Neither one works
- Very funny Scotty - now beam down my clothes
- wanted meaningful overnight relationship
- we have enough youth - how about a fountain of smart
- why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
- you can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a
kind word
- a Liberal is just a Conservative who hasn't been mugged yet
- the best contraceptive for old people is nudity
- never go to bed angry - stay awake and plot your revenge
- sacred cows make the best hamburgers
- all I ask for is a chance to prove money can't make me happy
- now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants
- letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than
putting it back in
- you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive
- I am busier than a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest
- I like my men like I like my coffee - ground up and in the
freezer
- I like my women like I like my coffee - cold and bitter
- well paint me purple and call me Barney!