Laughable Quotes

Laughable quotes is a collection from famous, and not-so-famous personalities, making funny observations about situations and the world around them.

Yogi Berra - A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.

Baseball is ninety percent mental, the other half is physical.

I never said most of the things I said.

I'm not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did.

You give 100% in the first half of the game and if that's not enough, in the second half you give what's left.

Always go to others' people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

When you find a fork in the road - take it.

You can observe a lot by just watching.

Dan Quayle - If you don't succeed, you run the risk of failure.

Dolly Parton - I wanted to be the first woman to burn her bra, but it would have taken the Fire department four days to put the fire out.

Dean Martin - You're not drunk, if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Casey Stengl - All right, everyone line up alphabetically according to your height.

Being with a woman all night never hurt no professional baseball player. It's staying up looking for one that does him in.

I feel greatly honored to have a ballpark named after me, especially since I've been thrown out of so many.

Bob Hope - I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.

I grew up with six brothers, that's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.

I left England at the age of four when I found out I couldn't be King.

Bill Cosby - Don't worry about senility my grandfather used to say. When it hits you, you won't know it.

I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon invaded Russia. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle the Vatican has overlooked.

George Burns - At my age flowers scare me.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who will give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house.

By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally you forget to pull it down.

A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible.

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

George Carlin - I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don't have as many people believing it.

Have you ever noticed in traffic, anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.

Groucho Marx - Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse.

Either he is dead or my watch has stopped.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Woody Allen - It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an Insurance Salesman?

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

W.C. Fields - I am free of all prejudices, I hate everyone equally.

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Oscar Wilde - Laughter is only the beginning for a friendship, and it is the best ending for one

E.E.Manning - The most wasted day is one without laughter

Gerry Hopman - A day without laughter is like a Big Mac without fries

William Rotsler - You cannot hols back a good laugh any more than the tide

Ethel Barrymore - You grow up the day you have your first laugh...at yourself

Gerry Hopman - You cannot hold back a laugh anymore than you can hold back a sneeze

Mark Twain - The human race has only effective weapon, and that is laughter

- Laughter is to the mind and body what rain is to the earth

Kurt Vonnegut - Laughter and tears are responses to frustration....I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterwards

William Makepeace - A good laugh is like sunshine in the house

Thomas Carlyle - Laughter is one of the very privileges of reason, being confined to the human species

Gerry Hopman\ - When you walk - you walk, when you play - you play. When you laugh, do it with the whole body, it will be the best and healthiest exercise you can treat yourself with

Charles Schultz - If I were given the opportunity t9o present a gift to the next generation, it would be the ability for each person to laugh at himself

William Arthur Ward - To make mistakes is human, to stumble is commonplace, to be able to laugh at yourself is maturity

Gerry Hopman - People suffer emotional constipation today. We have to learn to take our responsibilities seriously and take ourselves more lightly