George Carlin Quotes

George Carlin's humor is one of its kind! Carlin was one of the greatest comedy speakers of his time. He was not only funny, but he often interpreted his comedic perceptions of everyday life, politics and religion in his presentations and now famous quotes.

George Carlin's quotes live on. Here are some his best

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that

  • Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning
  • A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you out and get more stuff
  • No one knows what's next, but everybody does it
  • The reason I talk to myself is because I'm the only one whose answers I accept
  • Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it
  • Soft rock music isn't rock, and it ain't music. It's just soft
  • As soon as someone is identified as an unsung her, he no longer is
  • I knew a transsexual guy whose ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary
  • I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed
  • By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth
  • Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac
  • Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice?'
  • I don't think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions
  • When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a seat
  • I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don't trust any organization with a handbook
  • Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter
  • God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile
  • I've never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade
  • One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations, you're too tired
  • George Washington's brother Lawrence, was uncle of our country
  • In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem
  • No one who has had 'Taps" played for the had eber been able to hear it
  • The future will soon be a thing of the past
  • Then planet is fine. The people are screwed
  • The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post Thou shall not steal, Thou shall not commit adultery, Thou shall not lie, in a building filled with judges and politicians. It creates a hostile environment
  • Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey
  • The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music
  • Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes
  • Atheism is a non-prophet organization
  • Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?
  • The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to asleep to believe it
  • Most people with low esteem have earned it
  • The Golden Gate Bridge should have a bungee cord for people who aren't quite ready for suicide, but want to get in a little practice
  • If the cops didn't see it. I didn't do it
  • Hooray for most things
  • What was the best thing before sliced bread?
  • May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house
  • U have as much authority as the Pope. I just don't have as many people who believe it
  • It isn't fair, the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory
  • If you know of some good George Carlin's quotes, or funny lines from his past presentations, let me know, using the form below

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