Humorous Ambiguity

Humorous ambiguity and other idiosyncracies of the English language

  • I went to a bookstore and asked the saleslady , "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose
  • If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself - is it considered a hostage situation?
  • Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid that someone will clean them?
  • If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
  • Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
  • If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
  • What was the best thing before sliced bread
  • One nice thing about egotists - they don't talk about other people
  • Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery
  • Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have 's' in it?
  • Why are hemorrhoids called 'hemorrhoids' instead of 'assteroids'?
  • Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
  • Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
  • If you spin an Oriental person in a circle three times, do they become disoriented?
  • Can an Atheist get insurance against acts of God?
  • I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize
  • Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
  • The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
  • How do you tel when you'r out of invisible ink?
  • If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something
  • Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
  • When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong laneAmbition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy
  • I intend to live forever....so far, so good
  • Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
  • What happens if you get scared half to death?
  • Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research
  • The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard
  • If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea....does that mean one out of 5 enjoys it?
  • Why is a person who plays piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a car is not called a racist?
  • If FedEx and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUp?
  • Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
  • If a deaf person has to go to court, is it stall called a hearing?
  • Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
  • If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
  • If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
  • Atheism is a Non-Prophet organization
  • If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
  • If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it homeless or naked?
  • Why are a 'wise man' and 'wise guy' opposites?
  • If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
  • If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
  • How come abbreviated is such a long word?
  • If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
  • If a cow laughed, would milk out of her nose?
  • What disease did 'cured ham' actually have?
  • Wouldn't a fly without wings be called ' a walk?
  • Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film

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