The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone else to blame it on. - Robert Bloch
A good belly laugh should register on the Richter scale. - Gerry Hopman
Friendship is like peeing on yourself. Everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings. - Author unknown
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils. - Louis Hector Berlioz
Humor is like pizza even when it's bad, it's still good. - Gerry Hopman
It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives. - Author unknown
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. - Author unknown
Sadness, stress and tension come and go. Humor and laughter are forever. - Gerry Hopman
I told my wife that a husband is like fine wine, he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar. Author unknown
Girls are like phones. They love to be held, talked to, but if you press the wrong button, you'll be disconnected. - Author unknown
We get older and wider instead of older and wiser. - Gerry Hopman
Doing nothing is very hard to do....you never know when you're finished. - Leslie Neilsen
The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning, you're on the job. Slappy White
You can lead a man to congress, but you can't make him think. - Milton Berle
My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one - Bob Hope
Be good to yourself - interject some humor into your life. - Gerry Hopman
When I was born I was so surprised, I didn't talk for a year and a half. - Gracie Allen
I've got seven kids. The three words I hear most around my house are: "Hello," "Goodbye," and "I'm pregnant!." Dean Martin
Seven days without humor makes one weak. - Author unknown
You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither! - Drew Carey
It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.. - Drew Carey
Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day. - Mickey Rooney
I think that men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They have experienced pain and bought jewelery. Rita Rudner
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? - Author unknown
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why she treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonnete
A man explained inflation to his wife thus: When we married you measured 36-24-36. Now you're 42-42-42. There is more of you, but you're not worth as much. - Lord Barnett
Some people get so rich, they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be. - Rita Rudner
Press any key to continue. Where is the 'any key? - Homer Simpson
No please don't eat me. I have a wife and children, eat them! - Homer Simpson
Oh man! We killed Mr.Burns. Mr. Burns is gonna be so mad! - Homer Simpson
Oh yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs, or the bees in their mouth, so when they bark they shoot bees at you? - Homer Simpson
I hope I don't brain my damage....Homer Simpson
I exercise strong self-control.I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast. - W.C. Fields
The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes, so they would turn over by themselves. - W.C.Fields
After two days in the hospital I took a turn for the nurse. W.C.Fields
It was a woman who drove me to drink. I never had the courtesy to thank her. W.C.Fields
Make crime pay - become a lawyer! - Will Rogers
The taxpayers are sending congressmen on expensive trips abroad. It might be worth it, except they keep coming back. Will Rogers
Why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on earth. - Will Rogers
Everything is changing. People are taking comedians seriously and
the politicians are a joke. Will Rogers
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx
Behind every successful man is a woman. Behind her is his wife. Grouch Marx
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend to read it! - George Burns
Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five, I still had pimples. George Burns
It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty. - George Burns