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The Humormeister's Forum, Issue #00091
June 30, 2015

Welcome to the 91st Humormeister's Forum edition

I was sitting on the deck, when my wife told me she was going to visit a friend. She pecked me on the cheek and left.

I was breaking in a new book, and although it was hot even in the shade, I read for for a while. When I got up to refresh my drink (water), I noticed that the door was locked.

So here I was 5 feet above the ground plus a 4 foot glass railing and nowhere to go, because even the front door was locked. The neighbor has a key, but there was no indication that anybody was home.

I started to ration my water and emptied a small fertilizer bucket, in case I had to go to the bathroom.

After two and a half hours I heard the neighbor using her phone on their deck. I hollered at her and asked her if she could come over and rescue me from my outdoor imprisonment.

When I phoned my wife at her friend's place to tell her about my experience, she laughed so hard that she almost dropped the phone.

I guess one person's disaster is the other's entertainment!

Funny quotes

A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman, "Which book has helped you most in life?" The woman replied, "My husband's check book!"

Humor/laughter quotes

When the white missionaries came to Africa, they had the bible and we had the land.

They said, "Let us pray!" We closed our eyes, and when we opened them, we had the bible and they had the land! - Archbishop Desmond Tutu

The 1 Minute laugh

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah!" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over", Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really," said Charlie, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you chicken!"

Kids are funny!

As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's five-year-old daughter Chrissy came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast-feed before, she was intrigued and full of questions about what I was doing.

After mulling over my answers, she remarked, My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them!"

Article of the month


A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husband. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"

All the woman raised their hands.Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

Some woman answered today, a few Yesterday, and some couldn't remember. The woman then were instructed to take out their cell phones and text their husbands: " I love you sweetheart."

The women then were instructed to exchange phones with another woman, and read aloud the text massage received, in response to their message.

Below are 12 replies; some are hilarious! If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love....who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?

1. Who the Hell is this?

2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?

3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?

4. What now? Did you crash the car again?

5. I don't understand what you mean?

6. What the Hell did you do now?

7. Don't beat around the bush, just tell me how much you need!

8. Am I dreaming?

9. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die!

10. I though we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.

11. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?

Brings a tug at the heart, doesn't it?

  • We need to socialize more!
  • We need to generate more humor and laughter in our lives!
  • We have to enjoy life instead of enduring it!

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"If you lose your zest for laughter - you lose your zest for life!"

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