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The Humormeister's Forum, Issue #00087
January 31, 2015

Welcome to the 87th Humormeister's Forum edition

My wife and I had porridge for breakfast the other day. Later in the day, I asked her if she experienced some flatulence.

She answered that she did. I said to her that I was going to look up on the Internet whether porridge causes flatulence.

I looked it up, and sure enough, the answer was yes. However the questions and answers on the subject were so funny that I laughed until I had tears in my eyes, and my wife had a sore belly from laughing.

It's amazing where you can find humor!

Funny quotes

The reason they call it the 'American Dream' is because you have to be asleep to believe it! George Carlin

Humor/laughter quotes

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer. Author unknown

The 1 Minute laugh

After the received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut etc. - he placed the boy in the chair and said, "I'm going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade. I'll be back in a few minutes."

When the boy's haircut was done, and the man hadn't returned, the barber said to the boy, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you."

"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy."he just walked up, took me by the hand and said, "Come on son, we're gonna get a free haircut!"

Kids are funny!

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of 1st graders, using a bowl of lifesavers.

He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers, one at a time and asked them to identify the taste. The children began to say, "red....cherry, yellow....lemon, green...lime,

Finally, the professor gave them all honey-flavored lifesavers. After sucking on them for a few moments, none of the children could identify the taste.

"Well", the professor said, "I'll give you a clue. It's what your mom may sometimes call your dad."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit out the lifesaver and yelled, "Oh my God!!! They're assholes!!!"

Article of the month

Red Skelton's recipe for a perfect marriage

Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays - I go on Fridays.

We also sleep in separate beds, Hers is in California - mine is in Texas.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps on finding her way back.

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been for a long time," she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.....

My wife told me the car wasn't running well, because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake!"

She put on a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump right in!"

Remember, Marriage is the number one cause of divorce!

I married Miss Right, and her first name is always.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her!

The last fight with her was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on TV?" I said, Dust!"

  • We need to socialize more!
  • We need to generate more humor and laughter in our lives!
  • We have to enjoy life instead of enduring it!

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"If you lose your zest for laughter - you lose your zest for life!"

All or part of this newsletter may be reprinted with permission, provided that credit is given to the author and his website

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