Funny Sayings

Most 'funny sayings' are spontaneous 'spur-of-the-moment' expressions, while others make fun of themselves, events, politics, politicians etc.... Enjoy reading this selection.

No please don't eat me. I have a wife and children. eat them! - Homer Simpson

Press any key to continue. Where is the 'any key?' - Home Simpson

Oh man! We killed Mr. Burns. Mr. Burns is gonna be so mad! - Homer Simpson

Oh yeah, what are you gonna do? release the dogs, or the bees in their mouth, so when they bark they shoot bees at you? - Home Simpson

I hope I didn't brain my damage.... - Homer Simpson

I wonder where Bart is. His dinner is getting all cold....and eaten. - Bart Simpson

If you don't like your job, you don't strike! You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way! - Home Simpson

I exercise strong self-control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast. - W.C.Fields

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves. W.C. Fields

After two days in the hospital I took a turn for the nurse. - W.C.Fields

It was a woman who drove me to drink. I never had the courtesy to thank her. - W.C. Fields

Make crime pay - become a lawyer! - Will Rogers

The taxpayers are sending congressmen on expensive trips abroad. It might be worth it, except they keep coming back. Will Rogers

Why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibitinganybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on earth. - Will Rogers

Everything is changing. People are taking comedians seriously and the politicians are a joke. - Will Rogers

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx

Behind every successful man is a woman. Behind her is his wife. - Groucho Marx

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend to read it - Groucho Marx

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five, i still had pimples. - George Burns

When I was a boy, the 'Dead Sea' was only sick! - George Burns

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up - George Burns

It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty - George Burns

You've got to be honest, if you can fake that, you've got it made. - George Burns

I've kissed so many women, I can do it with my eyes closed. - Henny Youngman

All men are not homeless, but some are less home than others. - Henny Youngman

A wonderful doctor gave this guy 6 months to live. When he couldn't pay his bill, he gave him another 6 months. - Henny Youngman

Americans are getting stronger. twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars worth of groceries. Today a 5 year-old can do it. - Henny Youngman

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby. - Henny Youngman