Famous humorous quotes

I have put together a varied and diverse collection of famous humorous quotes. They are profound and funny, and I know that you will enjoy reading them as much as I did in putting them together.

Yogi Berra- A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.

Baseball is ninety percent mental, the other half is physical.

I never said most of the things I said.

I'm not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did.

You give 100% in the first half of the game and if that's not enough, in the second half you give what's left.

Always go to others' people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

When you find a fork in the road - take it.

You can observe a lot by just watching.

Dan Quayle- If you don't succeed, you run the risk of failure.

Dolly Parton- I wanted to be the first woman to burn her bra, but it would have taken the Fire department four days to put the fire out.

Dean Martin- You're not drunk, if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Casey Stengl- All right, everyone line up alphabetically according to your height.

Being with a woman all night never hurt no professional baseball player. It's staying up looking for one that does him in.

I feel greatly honored to have a ballpark named after me, especially since I've been thrown out of so many.

Bob Hope- I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.

I grew up with six brothers, that's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.

I left England at the age of four when I found out I couldn't be King.

Bill Cosby- Don't worry about senility my grandfather used to say. When it hits you, you won't know it.

I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon invaded Russia. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle the Vatican has overlooked.

George Burns- At my age flowers scare me.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who will give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house.

By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally you forget to pull it down.

A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible.

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

George Carlin- I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don't have as many people believing it.

Have you ever noticed in traffic, anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.

Groucho Marx - Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse.

Either he is dead or my watch has stopped.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Woody Allen- It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an Insurance Salesman?

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

W.C. Fields- I am free of all prejudices, I hate everyone equally.

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