Physician humor quotes from dictated medical records

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By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband said she was very hot in bed last night.

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1986.

Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Shapiro to dispose of him.

Healthy appearing decrepit 67 year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The patient has no past history of suicides.

The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 45 pound weight gain in the past three days.

She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early January.

The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.

The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up.

She is numb from her toes down.

While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

The skin was moist and dry.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Coming from New York, this man has no children.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

Funny physician stories

Life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% mortality rate. Anonymous submitter

On a patient's chart prepared by her physician "Has no problems except has a fear of entering pubic places." Anonymous submitter

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife is going to have a baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed that there were several cabs - and I was in the wrong one. Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be, replied the patient." Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of massive internal fart. Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "it's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't get used to the taste." the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf

A nurse was on duty in the ER, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing entered the ER. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely undressed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn." Anonymous submitter